weight watchers

Just joined weight watchers so lets see how this turns out I am hoping it will give me the kick start I need to log and lose some weight plus I can track activity on it also. I am determined to lose weight this year I am going to be doing the school walk where I can unless its raining and going to the gym more.

Well coming off my antipsychotic medication didn't last long I was going down hill a bit and had to go back on them I really hate having to take them but anything to stop me losing my mind I would rather be fat and overweight and have my sanity.

So I haven't been able to sleep much the past few nights I keep getting twitchy legs which is to do with my medication and it stops me falling asleep it is so annoying so I binge watched Harry Potter last night and quite enjoyed it too, I was able to see the last two that I hadn't seen before. I think I shed a little tear when Snape died but only for a second!

So 2020 is nearly upon us and this has been a weird Christmas to be honest I have been off my meds for a bit and had a few drinks on xmas day and realised what a lousy drunk I am! I am going to be more positive in 2020 and not worry about what others are thinking about me quite so much as I do worry a lot, I am determined to lose the weight I have gained through 2019 and become more active and when I stick to something I usually follow through with it. I will continue to put my weight lose journey on here and update it all the time as I will be having weekly weighs in every Monday.

As always I continue my battle against mental health illness and will win this battle and hoping 2020 is a more positive one for me.

Lost Weight

I have lost half a stone which is great and that is all because I have come off my antipsychotic medication I needed to they were making me feel ill and making me eat like a horse. I felt bunged up on them if that makes any sense at all. I just didn't feel right so I have come off them. I do have some still so if I really need them then I can restart them again, but for now I am going to see how it goes without them.

I am still taking my antidepressants as I didn't want to come off everything and I am happy on these right now.

I had to go to the doctor to get more tablets as they had messed up my repeat prescription and the doctor was a jobsworth and obviously a very new and young doctor and kept asking me all these questions that I have been asked a thousand times over the years and then proceeded to ask if I was taking multiple tablets as I had run out, er no why would I be doing that I am not stupid. Anyway I got my repeat prescription in the end but it was exhausting sitting through his questions.

I am still going to the gym I have been a couple of times now and am enjoying it when I am there I have to kick my own butt to get there though! Hoping to go more in the new year as new year new me and I want to start running again.

I was supposed to have an operation on my kidney tumour but as it is stable at the moment they are not willing to operate the tumour is as fatty tumour and has been tested as non cancerous so that is something but I did ask my consultant if it was okay to start running again and he has given me the go ahead which is great news. My next tumour check up is in May and I will be having a scan on it just to check it is still stable they say they will only operate if it becomes unstable and starts bleeding again.

Hoping that 2020 will be better than 2019 as its been pretty shabby where my weight is concerned I had a dream last night that I lost a lot of weight so am hoping that dream comes true!!

last Christmas

Last Christmas I literally had the best present ever my life was saved by my husband.

We was all sitting around eating Christmas dinner and I gulped down a big bit of turkey and it got stuck in my throat and I couldn't drink it down and I couldn't get it out I was choking to death. My husband knew what to do right away and came rushing over and gave me the Heimlich maneuver a few times and up came this massive piece of turkey that was going to kill me!

My life flashed before my eyes I actually didn't think oh I'm going to die at the time I was just trying to get this piece of turkey out of my throat all the kids were screaming and there's me just scratching at my throat and not able to breathe.

I just couldn't stop thanking him for saving my life I am always a bit more careful when eating now especially roast dinners!

I am hoping that this year will not be like last year! I am eating Christmas dinner at home then going over to my eldest daughters house later on in the day so no drinking for me either as I will be driving.  I may come home later on and have a few drinks if I am not back too late but looks like a sober day for me Christmas Day! Which I am not honestly bothered about as I love going to see my eldest and will have a lovely time over there and as I didn't see her last Christmas this is such a treat for me. 

What are you up to this Christmas a lazy day or are you going to friends and family and if you do end up choking on some turkey make sure someone knows the Heimlich maneuver! 

Harwich Redoubt Fort

So I went on a ghost hunt recently to Harwich Redoubt Fort in Harwich Essex UK and it was really good. Some great friends of mine from twitter were organising it and I must say what an event.

Its a strange place as it is in the middle of a housing area and is quite difficult to find if you do not know where you are going.

There are different rooms to the fort and all have their own haunted stories but the best part was going into the jail area and the smells and noises were incredible we were all split up into groups. The jail we had to put masks on to be totally in the dark and I kept smelly this unusual smell and kept hearing noises and Ryan who was in our group saw a light right beside him which was awesome. Something touched and moved my bag and that really was amazing.

There is a haunted hearse there and I got in it like some other people that was a weird experience for me.

I would just like to really give a massive shout out to CEE & DEE for such a great event and night out, it was an excellent experience.

It was such a shame that my best friend Scar couldn't be there with me as I know she would have loved the event. She is very sensitive and I know she would have had lots of experiences there but maybe she can come to the next event with me.

I love going to ghost events and if you ever get a chance take the opportunity to go to one.

Now a Gym Member

So as I previously said I would update you and have now joined the gym and am a fully fledged member but baby steps I am not going to throw myself into it madly and am going to go a couple of times a week at the moment and maybe at the weekend.

I will build myself up as I am quite overweight at the moment and do not want to do myself a mischief and then go back to square one where I am not able to go to the gym at all.

I was very nervous when I walked in but this gym is quite small and I like that it is never too busy and the people there seem very nice and not judgemental at all. I am hoping I can just go in do my thing and over time rebuild the confidence I have lost due to weight gain and my mental health.

The good thing is the gym is literally five minutes from me so I can walk there and back if I am feeling confident stepping outside. I usually use my car for everything if and when I have to go out due to my agoraphobia that I suffer.

My family think I am exaggerating about my weight but to me I am not and it does need to improve as I am getting back pain again due to gaining and that is usually when I know that I have put on the pounds and need to lose weight. It isn't going to go away by itself and I need to take action now it is very early days and I know that I may have a few bumps in the road along the way but taking the first step is the main thing and I am feeling a little proud of myself for (a) getting out of the house to even join the gym and (b) taking the decision to improve myself.

I am hoping that my mental health will improve as my self esteem improves. I have tried all sorts and I am on medication but this medication makes me put weight on and I do if I am honest comfort eat a lot but I am fed up of feeling sorry for myself due to my disability and I am determined this time to lose the weight I have put on and improve my mind and body.

As I said baby steps at the moment and I will as always keep you updated on my journey.

Back to the Gym

Joining my local gym tomorrow which is long overdue I hate putting weight on and these tablets I am on for my mental health put weight on. Don't ask me how but they do I have heard a few people say that their meds make them overweight especially depression tablets. 

So why am I joining the gym now and not after Christmas simply because I need to start now and by the time after Christmas rolls around I would have put more weight on and its more to lose! 

I'm a little nervous about joining the gym again yes nervous simply because I am quite overweight at the moment and most of my gym stuff which I have loads of doesn't fit me at the moment and so I am going to have to go in leggings and a big baggy t-shirt for the time being. So why put yourself through it newt well I have to for my well being I am becoming increasingly worse with my agoraphobia and simply I'm a hermit right now I need to get out there and the gym seems to me to be a good way of shedding some of my fear and my weight. 

I know that the first few times I go I will feel like a fish out of water and want to go home but I am determined to stick at it and make it work as I know the results will be worth it and I feel it will also benefit my mental health in the long run. 

I used to go to the gym all the time in 2017/18 but 2019 has just been a nightmare and I am determined that 2020 will be better for me. 

Don't let fear get in the way and I am determined to beat my mental health this time I am sick of sitting at home so scared to do anything due to my worsening mental health so its time to take control and only I can do that so joining the gym it is. 

I shall keep you updated on my journey 

Tis the season to be jolly....

well I am not so jolly at the moment sadly I am missing someone very much and that is Helen my ex friend if you read my other blog post about friendships she is the one that went a bit mad at me over my daughter and her daughter mucking about on Netflix and screwing up her account earlier this year and I got the blame for it.

I am not sure whether it is because it is the season of good will and all that but I am really missing her so much.

I did wonder whether to send her a Christmas card but my husband has said not too as she made it very clear she wanted me to F. Off when we last spoke so I am guessing not.

I think we fell out around March April time but it feels like forever at this point and I hate the unbearable ache of my lost friendship with her.

Do you miss someone more this time of the year or is it just me, it seems to be getting stronger and I hate it. I just keep wishing she would contact in some way but I know that she won't and it really does hurt so much.

I just needed to get these feelings out in a blog post and as I haven't blogged in a long time it is long overdue.

Paraunity 2 update

Sadly this event didn't go ahead but I want the one person whom I love to bits in life to know it is not her fault that this event didn't go ahead. My Scarlett.

We had a brilliant night out in the end and I am glad I had her with me.

Been a bit down recently and have been struggling with my mental health that is why I took some time out of my blog.

Ordered a takeaway tonight as its that point in the summer holidays that I just can't be bothered. We are not going on holiday this year due to me buying a brand new car recently. Hopefully next year holidays will be more accessible than this year.

I have taken the kids out and we have done a whole host of things but they are not happy as no holiday. What is it with kids you could give them a diamond tour of space and they would still moan about it.

New blog soon just wanted to update you all on what has been happening.

Fitness Trackers

I use an Apple Watch and find it so valuable to my health plus I love how I can measure my fitness and work towards a goal each day.

The only problem with the Apple Watch is that it doesn't track my sleep so I have invested in a Samsung Galaxy Fit(e) tracker which wasn't that much to buy from Samsung. I can now use this on my android as well as using my Apple Watch with my iPhone.

Here are six reasons why I use an activity tracker

Motivation
Health
Getting into a routine/habit
Goal setting
Keeping track
Ready made programs

Fitness trackers are similar to pedometers but with activity fitness trackers there is evidence that they are more effective in increased activity.

Probably the most important benefit of activity tracking is accountability. The best part is that I am competing against myself.

It's much easier to be motivated to do more than I did yesterday, to walk more steps and burn more calories as I go down the road to improvement and weight loss.  Features like inactivity alerts also remind me when to move.

You don't need to do vigorous activity all at once either. You can spread it through the day and the tracker lets me see how much I have logged.

Do you really need an activity tracker? Like you need air and water? Perhaps not. Will it help on your  journey, most definitely yes!

Insomnia

Insomnia, also known as sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which people have trouble sleeping.^[1]They may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired.^[9][11] Insomnia is typically followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, irritability, and a depressed mood.^[1] It may result in an increased risk of motor vehicle collisions, as well as problems focusing and learning.^[1] Insomnia can be short term, lasting for days or weeks, or long term, lasting more than a month.

For as long as I can remember I haven't slept well, well I can pin point it down to when I had my first child as I needed to listen out for her and just seemed to sleep lightly. It has progressed into not sleeping very well at all now. 

I have tried herbal treatments and apps but neither has worked. I also suffer from sleep paralysis at least once a night.

Sleep paralysis is when, during waking up or falling asleep, a person is aware but unable to move or speak.^[1][2] During an episode, one may hallucinate (hear, feel, or see things that are not there), which often results in fear.^[1] Episodes generally last less than a couple of minutes.^[2] It may occur as a single episode or be recurrent.^[1]

I usually try drifting off to the TV or radio or watch some youtube videos which can make me feel sleepy but when I do sleep it is always light and never full sleep. I usually wake up a few times in the night if I do eventually get to sleep. 

I usually find at night my head is full of stuff and I'm sat there worrying about things that either haven't happened or are going to happen I hate that. Clear your mind people say but that is easier said than done. 

I can now accept the night of poor sleep and move on sometimes if I get a chance I'll take a nap during the day. I use the sleep deprivation caused by the poor night’s sleep to sleep better the night after if I can but it is very rare to get a good nights sleep fully these days. 

I know a lot of people suffer from this let me know if you have trouble sleeping and what your remedies or advice is for insomnia its always good to hear from other people on the subject.

Smoking

I smoke I know yes it is disgusting but to me it is one of my favourite things to do especially when I am stressed out!

I have been thinking of giving up for a long time now but it is so hard to do and the thought of it scares me, silly I know.

If you can imagine when you was little and you had a blanket or a dummy or used your thumb to sleep this is how I feel about cigarettes. I have tried to use apps in the past to help and tried hypnotism apps. I have even tried vaping! I cannot use patches due to my other medication and have tried gum too but nothing has worked.

I do want to give up but right now I just don't think is the time for it. I am trying to lose weight and I do not want to give up too much all at once.

I have challenged myself that when I have lost my weight I will give up the cigarettes and I am sticking to that.

Writers Block

• 
  Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. The condition ranges from difficulty in coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years. Throughout history, writer's block has been a documented problem.

Do you ever get writer’s block?

I mean do you ever sit down at your computer with that blank screen mocking you in the face?

As a blogger, I’ve done this on more than one occasion.

Sure, I use all kinds of tricks to get the ‘ole inspiration motor running. . .

• I keep a list of running article ideas.
• I browse all of my favorite blogs scouting for possible ideas.
• Tweet my followers for ideas.
• If I get really desperate I’ll whip up a nice bubble bath

Sorry for the short blog today but just wanted to write about writers block which many writers suffer with and that sometimes I may not have a blog for a day or two due to this or I am feverishly writing a blog.

I was going to delete my blog due to writers block but people actually like it so I have continued to write and I hope you enjoy what I write about. I shall continue as long as I can.

Samsung Galaxy A70 a review

So I am usually an Apple user but Vodafone phoned me up and asked if I wanted another contract and as I have been wanting to get an android I opted for the Samsung Galaxy A70 which came out in April 2019.

This phone has all that you would expect from Samsung and is up there with the S10 family.

It has 2D face recognition and in-display fingerprint id and also has the AR emoji just like the S9-S10

It sports a 6.7inch Infinity-U display and boasts a 32 megapixel front camera with an 8mp second camera and 5mp third camera also. The quality of the camera is stunning. It comes with the latest android software 9.0 PIE straight from the box. It has 128gb of memory with a dual sim plus can be topped up with a micro sd card. It comes with a Samsung adaptive fast charger for quicker charging.

It has all the usual things on it like bluetooth, wifi and fm radio, 3G/4G.

It comes in a range of colours black, coral, blue and white I opted for the coral colour. It is a plastic back and does collect finger prints quite easily so a case would come in handy. All the colours have a kind of rainbow effect on the back and it makes the colour of the back really stand out.

I opted for mine on contract but you can buy this phone as a pay as you go.

If you are in the market for a new phone then I would highly recommend this phone as an option and it is way cheaper than the newest s10 family of which this phone has all of the features and more.

Losing Weight

I love food and I love eating. But, I don’t love dieting at all. Although I have always been a mostly healthy eater, I’m not one to turn down a piece of cake or a glass of wine during cocktail hour. But indulging a little too much and a little too often has resulted in me gaining weight. 

The tipping point being I wasn't happy at my heaviest but wasn't really motivated to do anything about it until I started getting back ache when I walked I was embarrassed as to how much weight I had gained. 

So I have started to lose weight and have lost over two stone so far I am just cutting down on fatty foods and eating more healthy nothing special or radical. I have stopped drinking alcohol completely also. 

My weight loss hasn't happened over night and it's taking a pretty long time actually but that was because I am not “dieting.” Through trial and error and figuring out what works best for me, I am making lifestyle changes, which I am sticking too.

My exercise includes walking right now as I am unable to run properly due to the tumour I have on my kidney which I am getting an operation for soon. I am tracking my calories which is something I never did before, so tracking what I eat is helping me to be aware of what I am putting in my mouth. Reducing portion sizes and meal planning has also helped me.

A lot of people try to change too much at once when they want to get healthy. For me, making one small change and seeing how it fits into my life (before adding another) is what is making me stick to it, If something doesn't work, I try something else.

Maintaining my weight is all about balance. If I overindulge at a weekend bbq or mindlessly munch throughout the day, I don’t throw in the towel. I make sure my next meal is healthy and move on.

Keep going it can be done with a few small life changes. 

Paraunity 2

I am so looking forward to this event in August I cannot tell you. Our first trip to the village was eventful to say the least it was a really good night.

This happened last time at the paraunity event at The Village in Mansfield UK I was really lucky to go on:

I had some very paranormal experiences at The Village in Mansfield like a lot of folk that work there and have visited day to day and on ghost hunts. I kept getting a back ache in a certain place we were in with a snooker table like something was sitting on my back. Some of the fabulous guys who were conducting the ghost hunt said that there was a spirit man who was standing right by me quite interested in me as I am very spiritual that was quite unnerving. We heard shuffles and even a groan which sounded like a man right by us.

We all went into another room and there was supposed to be an evil man ghost in there and I just felt very angry like angrier than I had ever felt I wanted to scream and shout at everyone and had to leave the room at one point as it was getting too much for me. My friend Scarlett had a worse experience and this evil spirit was actually taunting her and making her very emotional. At one point in an experiment we were all holding hands and our hands were going up with what felt like children dancing around us and it was as if I could hear them singing. One child would not let go of Scarlett and literally had her hands snug up to her body and wouldn't let go. The lovely paranormal guys helped out and she was freed in the end but she had a scratch on her hand after this event and she was very emotional about it all. Scarlett was supposed to do a lone vigil but in the end Ashley one of the great paranormal investigators said that it was not wise for her to do it due to her emotions and that she had been so touched by the spirits.

My friend Scarlett is going back there also to the Village in Mansfield and it is a bigger thing for her to go back than it is for most as she was effected the most the last time we went there.

There is some strange things going on at the Village in Mansfield and a lot of people know it that is why there are so many investigations there the history of the place is amazing and I was in awe at Lee Roberts in depth knowledge of the place. I think he knows the place better than anyone.

I cannot wait to go back to see what happens this time some really great people and investigators are going to be there and it is going to be great to meet some new faces and see some of the guys that were there last time.

Blog Expectations vs Reality

When I started my blog I thought it was going to really help me with my mental health but in reality there is only so much you can write about mental health before it starts to get repetitive as my day and my thoughts are usually repetitive.

I could write each day about the fact that everyday is a struggle for me and I have to survive each day and each hour that comes but what would my readers think of a blog about me just drivelling on about my mental health day in day out and my worries and fears?

It would depress me even more writing about that so in reality my blog expectations are not the same anymore and my blog could be likely viewed in a more negative way. My mental health defines who I am but I do not want my blog to be seen in this way I want to talk about many subjects.

Do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong in talking about mental health at all and I for one am an advocate for being open about my mental health I am simply talking about the this blog in general and what I wanted from it in the beginning to what I am doing with it now.

Reality is people want to read different topics other than one topic constantly so my blog has changed from my expectation of it.

life is hard enough without the constant reminder that some have problems and so that is why my blog has changed somewhat from when I first started it.

When My Dad Died

The day was a strange one and I just hadn't felt right all day long. I was temping at the time for different companies as a secretary and hadn't got a permanent job at the time.

My dad had moved back home to try and get back with my mother I had also moved back home after a disastrous first time living with Graham hadn't worked out. 

My dad had come home in a rotten mood and sat me down and said I was to get a proper job or move out and I called him a bastard as he had a cheek telling me to move out when I had literally picked him up off the floor of a telephone box one night when Graham and I were living together and took him into our home when he had no where else to go. 

All of a sudden he started saying he had a bad headache and couldn't breathe and had to go to bed my mother said "oh he's just faking it trying to get attention" but something was different. My father never went to bed and never faked being ill. 

All of a sudden my mother starting screaming and said he was unresponsive and I called a doctor (when you could call out doctors like that) the doctor gave him an injection of pain relief and said he would be fine but my mother was still screaming the house down so I called the ambulance service I didn't know at 20 what else to do as I had a screaming idiot running round the house like a headless chicken who wasn't making the situation any easier. I went in to see my dad and it is like he had aged literally right in front of my eyes. 

The ambulance came and they defibrillated him on the floor and worked on him for a long time. The room was packed with people crying and screaming Graham was there and my sisters boyfriend and my mother all just not knowing what to do. I had to do everything. 

My dad sadly died right in front of me as they couldn't save him from the massive heart attack which he had had. Apparently it was his second heart attack and no one had known that he'd had a first one. 

Once the undertakers had been my mother rushed out of the house along with my sister and they went off and stayed at friends houses. Literally you couldn't make this shiz up seriously. I had to do all the ringing around to family members to let them know that my dad had sadly passed away. 

My nan said "oh but you called him a bastard in an argument" well cheers Nan just what I needed to hear when I was trying to hold everything together at the time.

Graham and I ended up staying at a friends the night also me just in shock at what had just happened. 

My mother went on to try and blame the first doctor who had come and looked at him and gave him pain relief but that didn't really go anywhere in the end and the doctor was told he had done what he could for my dad on the night. 

I never got to say sorry to him for calling him a bastard and I blamed myself for a long time afterwards as to whether it was my fault in some way as to his death.  I am a lot more comfortable with my decisions on that night now and who was to know that my dad was going to die right in front of us after a silly argument. 

Nothing was ever the same when my dad died and my mother who was already a monster turned into a demon overnight. 

He had a beautiful funeral and as a Police Officer he had a full coppers funeral which was greatly appreciated. 

Never let a day go by you do not tell your loved ones how much they mean to you if I could just go back in time I may not have saved him but I sure would not have argued with him they way I had done that night. 

RIP Dad very much missed since September 1992

Hobbies

I used to do a lot of art at one time and it used to help my depression but as with everything I take up it only seems to last about 5 minutes and I get bored with it.

I have a cross stitch which I seem to have been stitching since last year and just can't seem to get the enthusiasm up to stitch it. I would like to do patch work quilting but alas it is another thing that would probably be a 5 minute wonder for me and I would get bored quickly.

I've collected dolls heads and little trinkets and even collected unusual tags off clothing yep you heard me!! I have a whole box of them!

I read that is another thing that I love to do getting into a good book and forgetting about the world for a bit.

I have played the cello for a number of years but I do not have a cello at the moment my ones neck broke on it and it is unplayable and also very costly to get fixed right now.

I do some meditation on occasion that is one thing that I do like to do just to take away the anxiety that can build up through the day I have been mediating on and off for a few years now and used to use an app to do it but can now do it without the app. I also like a bit of yoga but I haven't done that in a while as I have not been doing much exercise due to my kidney tumour which is being operated on soon. Hoping to get back into it along with my running when that is done.

I have a few animals and have just got a snake called Caramel but snakes don't really do that much and apart from poking his head out occasionally and feeding he doesn't do much else, so quite a good pet for the person that doesn't really want to do much.

One thing that I do do is I have a penpal in America who I have been writing to forever and we exchange written letters as well as phone calls occasionally. It is something I really enjoy doing and I love getting hand written letters through the post it is something rarely done these days what with all the social networks about. I buy pretty paper and really enjoy my time writing it is very therapeutic. Someone once said 'Oh a penpal that is so 80s' and I was like I've probably been writing to them since then too!!

What are your hobbies and do they destress you and do you have any hobbies you have been doing for years like my letter writing?

Running and Injuries

I used to be quite the runner I have completed two marathons and dozens of half marathons and 10k's my medal collection is quite something but I have also run for a friends trust fund and over time I raised over 1,500 pounds in money for the trust.

I was running right up until December 2017 when I fell very ill and didn't know what was wrong with me I had very bad pains in my side and this went on up until April 2018 when I was rushed to hospital in absolute agony and was told I had something wrong with my gall bladder I was in hospital for a week due to the pain and ended up having my gall bladder out whilst I was in there. My gall bladder was so poorly apparently it could have nearly burst. The recuperation time was a couple of months and I was so thankful to have had it out as I felt instantly better for it.

So afterthat I started running again and had to build up my fitness again all was going fine until end of June and I ended up trying to grab my dog who had run off and I fell and bashed myself against a bench and broke a rib so my running stopped again as more recuperation time needed to heal.

Now at the end of August I thought I can finally get back to running and what happens I end up in a dog fight between my dog and another dog and silly me I put my hand in the other dogs mouth to prise it open off my dog and the dog bit down on my finger and it ended up having a munch on it and finally when the owner had got their dog under control I could see my mangled finger. My dog was fine by the way but my finger was not. I was rushed to hospital as it wouldn't stop bleeding and the tear in it was right the way round my finger right down to the bone and was literally being held on by some skin. The hospital was great and numbed my finger up to check out the damage and they couldn't see my tendon anywhere so the dog had not only chewed on my finger but chewed through my tendon. The next day I had an operation on my finger and they had to fix my flexor tendon and my nerve which had both been chewed through. I was in a cast for a few days and then had to have physio straight away and a weekly clean of the wound. This recuperation time lasted for 3 months so by the time I was fit to run again it was nearing Christmas and I was shattered.

I still haven't been able to start my running up yet as whilst I was in hospital for my gall bladder they checked on my kidney as I had coils in it from a previous non cancerous tumour and well you guessed it the tumour had come back and was bigger than before. So now I am unable to run properly due to the tumour on my kidney just in case it starts to bleed as the tumour is just made up of blood vessels and is easily disturbed.

I hope you're still with me on this, I know what tales of woe!! I am now having an operation on my kidney this year to embolise it again and put more coils in it to shrink this new tumour down and have the old coils removed. Phew!! But I am determined to get running again and once I have recuperated from this operation I hopefully and I say this again hopefully will be able to get back into my running again.

I have put in for the ballot to the London Marathon next year as it has always been my dream to run it and I have applied to some charities to run for them also.

I am hoping that by getting into my running again it will help my mental health as I have been very down recently also. I just need to get this operation out of the way and that is all I am waiting on now.

Now a betting person would say Nah you're never going to run again but I am determined to get my fitness back up and start again. It's not going to be easy but I am not going to let these setbacks beat me down and just give up. If you have a dream don't ever give up on it as there is always time to accomplish anything you want.

medal bling

Blogging Vs Vlogging

We all know the difference but which is better?

I have never vlogged properly but I would like to, what's stopping me well my confidence for one is all these vloggers look flawless and then there's me with no make up on and looking very un-flawless!
I did try it once and just couldn't get on with it but I do have a youtube channel and my daughter usually uses it and vlogs like a pro I guess it is all down to confidence like I said. She even wants me to supply her with merchandise  bless her heart! Bit early for that I think!

I like blogging as I can be myself and don't need anything special to write. I love writing as I can touch type too and it makes my life a little easier.

I love hand-written letters also, we don't see enough of them nowadays with social media all around us do we. I have a friend in the USA whom I have been friends with for years and she likes to write me handwritten letters a lot.

I would love to write a book but a little beyond my capabilities at the moment I think I wouldn't even know what to write about!

Just taking things one day at a time at the moment as that is all I can do, more on this in my next blog! Sorry for the short one today!

One Day at a Time

Trying to take one day at a time at the moment.

I am having trouble looking ahead and can only manage to see what is right in front of me at the time. Having had some very bad days recently.

It is so hard living like this I hate it I would love to be able to look ahead further than day to day but sadly I can only deal with things as they happen and not to make plans or to worry about the future. I've lived through a lot of changes recently and taking things day to day seems to work best for me right now. I am trying to teach myself how to stop worrying and practicing a greater degree of detachment and as such calming and relaxing myself in the face of life's ups and downs.

I am trying to stop worrying so much and living better by making decisions in the moment and letting go of problems and irritations that have happened in the past that I can do nothing about. By deciding to forgive and forget anybody or anything that has hurt me in any way. Keeping my attention focused on my future and where I am going, rather than the past which I can do nothing about.

I am a good person and I am honest, loyal, kind, compassionate and friendly and I need to realise this more so loving myself is also a positive step forward day to day. I don't need to explain myself or make excuses to anyone else. Life is too short and I need to love myself.

I am also trying to take control of my thinking and hoping that the more I am in control the more I will love myself and the happier I will be. The more I accept complete responsibility for my life, health, happiness and relationships the more in control I will feel and the more powerful I will be.

First Love

My first love is a love I will never forget. I met him through my work when I was 18 and I was dating his friend.

Luckily his friend broke up with me and so I started dating Graham.

We went everywhere in my beetle and went to lots of concerts and nights out and really had a blast. It wasn't until we moved in together at 19 that things started to change and the wonderful life we had was blotted out by bills and neighbours (we was loud)

We moved three places whilst we was together and the last place we got a cat called Jasper from a rescue home, my dad had moved in with us for a bit as he was having an affair and my mother had kicked him out and it was all a bit strange having my Dad living with us and our relationship deteriorated after this. I moved back home with Jasper.

What I didn't know was that when my dad died he was just waiting for me to get over it so he could move on as he had been seeing someone else.

It took me a long time to get over Graham and I still don't think I am fully over him as we had kept in touch a few times and met a few years back for a coffee whilst I was running up tower 42 in London for Shelter charity.

It got so much for me that he used to send me old pictures of myself with him and I was going through a tough time with my mental health and was always crying and I had to cut him off at that point as the relationship was upsetting me and seeing all the pictures of how happy we were. I told him to enjoy his life and the relationship he was in and not to contact me again.

I still haven't spoke to him and it's going on now four years but you know one day I hope that he will contact me again and I maybe in a better place to deal with our friendship than I was the last time we was in touch.

It is so true a first love never leaves you.

Young Vs Old

I didn't think about being older when I was younger well I did but didn't think I would have five kids.

When I was young I was quite privileged but that all changed when I had my kids and my Dad died. My first child I had when I was 26 and the guy ran off and left me pregnant what a nice chap even worse my mother told me to get an abortion but I didn't. So I was a single mum for a long time until I met a guy in Scotland who turned out to be a twat in tinfoil instead of a knight in shining armour. I married him and had three children with him and my mother went ballistic each time I had another child even though I was married to the guy. 

She basically cut me off and I was glad as she was useless and used to say all the time that I was swapped at birth by the Spanish woman next to her. She used to say she only had kids cause my dad wanted kids and she didn't think she could have any because of her poorly kidneys. 

So I was married and he left me when my fourth child was one year old and there's a pattern here somewhere!! He couldn't handle my mental health illness. He wasn't a very nice man so in a way he did me a favour leaving. Singleton again.

I moved back down to London in 2007 and met a man through a friend who was in the army and we got together. He was in Northern Ireland at the time and was going on to a tour Iraq in 2007/08 so things were a little tough what with the separation. He planned to leave the army after he had done his second tour of Iraq and had to wait out a year to leave. I moved up to Liverpool to be closer to his home town as he had more family up here than I had in London. It was sad to leave London but I was only renting and the landlord wanted the house back so it made sense to move up to north. 

Finally he left the army in 2009 and we moved in with each other now we are married and have a little girl ourselves that makes five. Our little girl Honey was born at home in 2010 and she has made things perfect. My mother has never seen her but I am happy at not having anything to do with my mother as she never supported me throughout my time as a mother and was always embarrassed I had had so many children. 

My eldest in University and I am so proud she has just got her first house with her boyfriend and I think I have done pretty well myself. 

My husband knows all my flaws and took on my other children as his own and I couldn't be prouder of him. He does have to put up with a lot as my children would like to see me on my own. 

No matter what you are going through there is always light at the end of the tunnel when my first husband left me he said no one else would want me ever but I proved him wrong. Obviously this is just the short version of a very long story but I hope that it brings some validation to many who may be going through a hard time at the moment. 

Being Down

Been so down lately I hate feeling like that.

Haven't been on twitter much and certainly haven't been blogging as I was going to delete my blog as I was just so down. I just wondered what I was doing and why and didn't really feel I had that much to say.

I guess even with mental health medication my mental health will always be there stuck out like a sore thumb for all to see. I have been on a lot of different medications over the years but these medications are the best I've been on to be honest what with the side effects. I do get some side effects and that is that my medication overwhelms me a lot and so normal day to day things can be like climbing up Mount Everest to me. Like I am now a very nervous driver but moons ago I used to drive all over the place in London and from Scotland to London and all over and now I am so nervous just to go anywhere and I hate that. Even typing this has me overwhelmed and it really is a horrible effect. One tablet I was on many years ago used to make me sweat profusely and it was rotten so some people would say I'm quite lucky with the side effects I have right now.

I did come off my tablets a few months back thinking it would make me better and the side effects would go and I could lose a bit of weight as these tablets make you put weight on sadly. I mean as if I haven't got enough to deal with I have to deal with eating and weight gain ugh. Well when I came off the tablets I felt okay for about a week and then just went into myself and went down very fast. It's a good job I went down when my husband was home as I was feeling suicidal that day and I told him about not taking my tablets. So I have been back on them for the past couple of months everyday and faithfully but I still feel down some days but at least it is just down and not fully down like I was that day.

It really is important to take medication as just stopping like I did is no good and just shocks the system. Believe me I want off the tablets but I will do it with doctors guidance next time. I just wish that there was no side effects with these tablets then I don't think I would have so many down days. Better a down day and a few side effects than to feel suicidal though.

Sorry!

Sorry I haven't been around much here or on twitter but I have been really suffering with my mental health lately.

I actually deleted my blog for a bit as I contemplated whether to fully delete it, but I realised people are interested, so I am back.

I will be chatting a bit more about my mental health I just find so much overwhelming at the moment like driving and even typing seems to make me feel overwhelmed but then these are side effects of the medication I am taking at the moment for my mental health. I wonder why I'm taking tablets but yet still have down days, but then everyone has down days right!

So as I said new blog hopefully coming soon and just wanted to check in and say I am back up again.

How do we become better people

We can all try to become better people especially as adults of course we can change people think that we are who we are but we can all strive to be better people and help others out.

for starters let's let go of anger - not always easy but one of the first main steps to learning more about recognizing anger and knowing what to do when you feel angry in your life.

support others - being a better person means caring for others good deeds can also make us better people because of the connection between altruism and emotional well-being.

what strengths do you have - do you write are you a good runner or footballer. Strength can come from the strengths that keep you going and build good moral

write down your plan - do you have changes and goals

Look after yourself - you might not have control over all circumstances but you can control how you take care of yourself and building resilience

Become user friendly - improve your relationships and become a good listener

Thirteen Things About Me

Thirteen things no one knows about me!

1. I was a police officer 

2. I want to write a book

3. I used to be a secretary

4. I can touch type

5. I once touched Morrisey's shirt at a concert

6. I once owned two horses

7. I used to work as a live in groom 

8. I can ice skate

9. I've run for charity 

10. I've travelled all over the world and my favourite place was Iceland

11. Once got drunk on a plane and got told off 

12. Tennis is my favourite sport

in fact I think everyone knows this about me!

13. I can also play the cello

Response to a Tweet

Responding to Alex Reid's tweet about Sadiq Khan's message to Donald Trump.

I actually liked Sadiq's message and he has a point and I do like that he got that point out there but not for the fact that it is a ploy to get more votes I think that Sadiq had to say something back to Donald Trump after Trump literally accuses him of being a terrible Mayor and person. What is said is the way I would want a man to respond to another man who is a terrible person and dare I say it president. We have been moaning about Theresa May but she is a puff in the wind compared to what Donald Trump has done or said. Sadiq to me really didn't have any other choice but to put a message out there and I think he did quite well so bravo to him for sticking up for feminism and clearly stating that we are all equal in this world.

Basically I'm terrible at writing Alex and just wanted to reply longer than twitter would allow me to!

Here is the full video for anyone that missed it
Sadiq khan's message to Donald Trump

Artic Fox Hair Dye Review

I am highly allergic to normal hair dye and whenever I use it I go into anaphylactic shock so I have to be careful what I put in my hair.

Now being a woman with some grey hair and not being able to use normal off the shelf hair dye is quite upsetting for me as I have died my hair for years since I was sixteen and it was only a few years ago that I started becoming allergic to normal hair dye.

So I had to shop around for a dye that was going to dye my hair and colour my greys at the same time which is hard to do as some dyes said they had no bad stuff in them but then I ended up in hospital. It was only when I was searching youtube that I saw a girl rave about this dye and that it was safe to use for allergens and smelt delicious.

So I thought I would give it a try and I love it. Whats this I hear you ask well it's called ARTIC FOX hair dye and comes in a whole range of vivid colours and is 100% vegan friendly. It smells divine and leaves hair feeling soft and smooth afterwards. It's semi permanent and usually washes out within a few weeks although some of the more vivid colours can take a bit longer to wash out. I am usually colouring my hair every four to six weeks at the moment with this dye.

I used the dark purple called purple rain at the moment as it is the best one for coverage for me. It comes in two sizes and is a bit pricey at around £16 but it is worth it if you are allergic to the normal dye and have to use something with no yucky stuff in it.

You can buy it off Amazon or eBay if you are interested and I cannot recommend this dye highly enough. Artic Fox Purple Rain

Silly Walks and Writers Block

I remember a long time ago me and my friend used to walk places after having a few drinks and when we heard a car blearing music we would make sure to walk really slow so as not to walk to the the rhythm of the music as we thought it would make us look dumb.

We probably looked dumb walking in slow mo compared to the music! Might as well of done John Cleese's silly walk. We used to do daft things like that.

I even do it today still when I hear loud music and walk slow mo to it!

I have a bit of writers block at the moment so I am sorry if my blogs are not coming thick and fast as usual.

My comments are always open and if there is anything you would like me to write about or comment on let me know ↓

First Dates

One of my first dates was a disaster. I had too much to drink and was very nervous.

The guy was called Nick and he was so good looking and used to drive the coolest car a VW camper van but he had the strangest trait that used to remind me of the comedian called Tommy Cooper that used to shake his hands and say "just like that"

He also used to have the biggest ring in history a big sovereign ring on his left hand! Well he picked me up and all I could see through my drunken stooper was this massive gold ring glinting in the moonlight whilst he was driving and shaking his hands, why did this ring bother me so much I really don't know, probably cause it didn't go with anything he wore and was so big it looked ridiculous. To be honest I can't remember much of the night I just remember getting back home and making history in the toilet afterwards and that blooming gold ring glinting at me!

I went on to date him a few times but sadly couldn't get over his Tommy Cooper impressions and the biggest ring in the history of rings. 

Anyone else had an disastrous dates let me know in the comments ↓

Twitter and Me

I love twitter on one hand and I love it as it helps with my mental health on the other I am on it way to much for my mental health!

I used to have an account which I started in 2009 and seeing Philip Schofield rave about this micro blogging site he had found. I loved it instantly I had got quite few followers on that account some really great people but sadly my mental health took a turn for the worst at the end of 2016 and I abandoned ship and completely deleted my account. I didn't think much of it at the time and was quite relieved to be shot of it but it wasn't until I was getting better that I decided to use a spare twitter account I had to come back again.

A funny thing happened on my old account I used to follow Matt Horn from Gavin and Stacey and one night I was watching a ghost show on pick and so was he. We started talking and I said something to him which for the life of me now I cannot remember, probably I was a bit squiffy and I offended him unknowingly, anyway that was the last of that beautiful friendship and he blocked me!

I follow some great people now too and I am always grateful for a follow. I love how you can interact with people that you wouldn't necessarily meet in real life and that you can follow celebrities and tweet to them and if you're lucky get a mention or like back!

I have met some lovely people off twitter whom are now my friends.

I love the paranormal family that I follow and you can always see an interesting thread on who has been on a paranormal hunt I do like that. It's a lovely community and that is what twitter is all about isn't it. There are other communities on there and all of them are great.

So the other day on my newt_kiters account I was attacked by a spam bot. I stupidly clicked on someones link thinking it was for something quite genuine when in fact it was just stupid spam and I had to delete my account as every time I went into it it kept DM'ing people spam and they were not impressed and I got upset, I know over twitter! But all seems to be okay now with it and the spam bot seems to have gone I hope!

Also if you're reading this and either not on twitter or not following me add me my blog account is NewtfulThings and my normal twitter is newt_kiters and I'll give you a follow back!

Are you die hard fan of twitter or do you limit your time on there?  Let me know in the comments, always interesting to get other people comments and reactions to things I talk about!