weight watchers

Just joined weight watchers so lets see how this turns out I am hoping it will give me the kick start I need to log and lose some weight plus I can track activity on it also. I am determined to lose weight this year I am going to be doing the school walk where I can unless its raining and going to the gym more.

Well coming off my antipsychotic medication didn't last long I was going down hill a bit and had to go back on them I really hate having to take them but anything to stop me losing my mind I would rather be fat and overweight and have my sanity.

So I haven't been able to sleep much the past few nights I keep getting twitchy legs which is to do with my medication and it stops me falling asleep it is so annoying so I binge watched Harry Potter last night and quite enjoyed it too, I was able to see the last two that I hadn't seen before. I think I shed a little tear when Snape died but only for a second!

So 2020 is nearly upon us and this has been a weird Christmas to be honest I have been off my meds for a bit and had a few drinks on xmas day and realised what a lousy drunk I am! I am going to be more positive in 2020 and not worry about what others are thinking about me quite so much as I do worry a lot, I am determined to lose the weight I have gained through 2019 and become more active and when I stick to something I usually follow through with it. I will continue to put my weight lose journey on here and update it all the time as I will be having weekly weighs in every Monday.

As always I continue my battle against mental health illness and will win this battle and hoping 2020 is a more positive one for me.

Lost Weight

I have lost half a stone which is great and that is all because I have come off my antipsychotic medication I needed to they were making me feel ill and making me eat like a horse. I felt bunged up on them if that makes any sense at all. I just didn't feel right so I have come off them. I do have some still so if I really need them then I can restart them again, but for now I am going to see how it goes without them.

I am still taking my antidepressants as I didn't want to come off everything and I am happy on these right now.

I had to go to the doctor to get more tablets as they had messed up my repeat prescription and the doctor was a jobsworth and obviously a very new and young doctor and kept asking me all these questions that I have been asked a thousand times over the years and then proceeded to ask if I was taking multiple tablets as I had run out, er no why would I be doing that I am not stupid. Anyway I got my repeat prescription in the end but it was exhausting sitting through his questions.

I am still going to the gym I have been a couple of times now and am enjoying it when I am there I have to kick my own butt to get there though! Hoping to go more in the new year as new year new me and I want to start running again.

I was supposed to have an operation on my kidney tumour but as it is stable at the moment they are not willing to operate the tumour is as fatty tumour and has been tested as non cancerous so that is something but I did ask my consultant if it was okay to start running again and he has given me the go ahead which is great news. My next tumour check up is in May and I will be having a scan on it just to check it is still stable they say they will only operate if it becomes unstable and starts bleeding again.

Hoping that 2020 will be better than 2019 as its been pretty shabby where my weight is concerned I had a dream last night that I lost a lot of weight so am hoping that dream comes true!!

last Christmas

Last Christmas I literally had the best present ever my life was saved by my husband.

We was all sitting around eating Christmas dinner and I gulped down a big bit of turkey and it got stuck in my throat and I couldn't drink it down and I couldn't get it out I was choking to death. My husband knew what to do right away and came rushing over and gave me the Heimlich maneuver a few times and up came this massive piece of turkey that was going to kill me!

My life flashed before my eyes I actually didn't think oh I'm going to die at the time I was just trying to get this piece of turkey out of my throat all the kids were screaming and there's me just scratching at my throat and not able to breathe.

I just couldn't stop thanking him for saving my life I am always a bit more careful when eating now especially roast dinners!

I am hoping that this year will not be like last year! I am eating Christmas dinner at home then going over to my eldest daughters house later on in the day so no drinking for me either as I will be driving.  I may come home later on and have a few drinks if I am not back too late but looks like a sober day for me Christmas Day! Which I am not honestly bothered about as I love going to see my eldest and will have a lovely time over there and as I didn't see her last Christmas this is such a treat for me. 

What are you up to this Christmas a lazy day or are you going to friends and family and if you do end up choking on some turkey make sure someone knows the Heimlich maneuver! 

Harwich Redoubt Fort

So I went on a ghost hunt recently to Harwich Redoubt Fort in Harwich Essex UK and it was really good. Some great friends of mine from twitter were organising it and I must say what an event.

Its a strange place as it is in the middle of a housing area and is quite difficult to find if you do not know where you are going.

There are different rooms to the fort and all have their own haunted stories but the best part was going into the jail area and the smells and noises were incredible we were all split up into groups. The jail we had to put masks on to be totally in the dark and I kept smelly this unusual smell and kept hearing noises and Ryan who was in our group saw a light right beside him which was awesome. Something touched and moved my bag and that really was amazing.

There is a haunted hearse there and I got in it like some other people that was a weird experience for me.

I would just like to really give a massive shout out to CEE & DEE for such a great event and night out, it was an excellent experience.

It was such a shame that my best friend Scar couldn't be there with me as I know she would have loved the event. She is very sensitive and I know she would have had lots of experiences there but maybe she can come to the next event with me.

I love going to ghost events and if you ever get a chance take the opportunity to go to one.

Now a Gym Member

So as I previously said I would update you and have now joined the gym and am a fully fledged member but baby steps I am not going to throw myself into it madly and am going to go a couple of times a week at the moment and maybe at the weekend.

I will build myself up as I am quite overweight at the moment and do not want to do myself a mischief and then go back to square one where I am not able to go to the gym at all.

I was very nervous when I walked in but this gym is quite small and I like that it is never too busy and the people there seem very nice and not judgemental at all. I am hoping I can just go in do my thing and over time rebuild the confidence I have lost due to weight gain and my mental health.

The good thing is the gym is literally five minutes from me so I can walk there and back if I am feeling confident stepping outside. I usually use my car for everything if and when I have to go out due to my agoraphobia that I suffer.

My family think I am exaggerating about my weight but to me I am not and it does need to improve as I am getting back pain again due to gaining and that is usually when I know that I have put on the pounds and need to lose weight. It isn't going to go away by itself and I need to take action now it is very early days and I know that I may have a few bumps in the road along the way but taking the first step is the main thing and I am feeling a little proud of myself for (a) getting out of the house to even join the gym and (b) taking the decision to improve myself.

I am hoping that my mental health will improve as my self esteem improves. I have tried all sorts and I am on medication but this medication makes me put weight on and I do if I am honest comfort eat a lot but I am fed up of feeling sorry for myself due to my disability and I am determined this time to lose the weight I have put on and improve my mind and body.

As I said baby steps at the moment and I will as always keep you updated on my journey.

Back to the Gym

Joining my local gym tomorrow which is long overdue I hate putting weight on and these tablets I am on for my mental health put weight on. Don't ask me how but they do I have heard a few people say that their meds make them overweight especially depression tablets. 

So why am I joining the gym now and not after Christmas simply because I need to start now and by the time after Christmas rolls around I would have put more weight on and its more to lose! 

I'm a little nervous about joining the gym again yes nervous simply because I am quite overweight at the moment and most of my gym stuff which I have loads of doesn't fit me at the moment and so I am going to have to go in leggings and a big baggy t-shirt for the time being. So why put yourself through it newt well I have to for my well being I am becoming increasingly worse with my agoraphobia and simply I'm a hermit right now I need to get out there and the gym seems to me to be a good way of shedding some of my fear and my weight. 

I know that the first few times I go I will feel like a fish out of water and want to go home but I am determined to stick at it and make it work as I know the results will be worth it and I feel it will also benefit my mental health in the long run. 

I used to go to the gym all the time in 2017/18 but 2019 has just been a nightmare and I am determined that 2020 will be better for me. 

Don't let fear get in the way and I am determined to beat my mental health this time I am sick of sitting at home so scared to do anything due to my worsening mental health so its time to take control and only I can do that so joining the gym it is. 

I shall keep you updated on my journey 

Tis the season to be jolly....

well I am not so jolly at the moment sadly I am missing someone very much and that is Helen my ex friend if you read my other blog post about friendships she is the one that went a bit mad at me over my daughter and her daughter mucking about on Netflix and screwing up her account earlier this year and I got the blame for it.

I am not sure whether it is because it is the season of good will and all that but I am really missing her so much.

I did wonder whether to send her a Christmas card but my husband has said not too as she made it very clear she wanted me to F. Off when we last spoke so I am guessing not.

I think we fell out around March April time but it feels like forever at this point and I hate the unbearable ache of my lost friendship with her.

Do you miss someone more this time of the year or is it just me, it seems to be getting stronger and I hate it. I just keep wishing she would contact in some way but I know that she won't and it really does hurt so much.

I just needed to get these feelings out in a blog post and as I haven't blogged in a long time it is long overdue.