Mental health etc…

I haven’t blogged in such a long time but that is due to my mental health being in the toilet for a while there.  I am on some medication now which is helping me mentally. I don’t want to be on tablets but if I wasn’t I would end up in hospital and for me and my family that wouldn’t be good. So tablets it is for now. Not much has happened since I last blogged we still have two dogs and we have a snake called Caramel had him about 2 years now since he was 6 months old he is a corn snake he’s a lovely snake we struck lucky with him. The kids are growing up fast my eldest has a baby now and I’m a nana and my youngest will be 13 years old in April next year. I still have four of them living at home which is nice the eldest moved out a while ago and is thriving in life. I hope everyone is looking forward to Christmas i for one love it. I promise to write more soon just wanted to check in and let you all know what has been happening. Speak soon x

quick update

Haven't been on for ages lots has been going on we had to rehome meggie as she wasn't happy in our house and needed a forever home that would be able to have her as an only dog and be able to take her out on long walks.  Lucky us we found the perfect home for her and the chap that took her added me onto Facebook so I can see how she is which is wonderful as I still get to see her.  She lives right next to the beach and is having a ball in her new home, so all is well that ends well.

My daughter is now overdue in her pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital today as she has suspected preeclampsia so fingers crossed baby will be here soon. 

Not been to bad with my mental health lately and have been having more good days than bad.

Just a quick update and will write a longer blog when I can get back on my Mac as my 10 year old likes to hog it mostly! 

new dog

we have a new dog and she is called Meg we rescued her and she adds to our other two dogs we have but there has been some teething problems with her getting her to integrate into the household.

The people we rescued her from said she was used to other dogs which is a complete lie she looks like she has only ever been out on walks and encountered dogs as far as we can tell.

The thing is I had to get rid of one of my beloved dogs a year ago as she was fighting with my other two dogs and it was getting dangerous so we rehomed her to a farm where she was only dog there and I am worried that it is going to happen again with meg as she has been snarling at my other two dogs and things are a bit hit and miss as to whether they are going to get on at the moment.

I am a sucker for rescuing dogs that other people do not want and meg is so skinny it looks like she has been starved. I'm hoping she will get used to the house and the other dogs I have khan and jacks but its early days yet.

I have been on some websites to see if they can guide me through dog fights if it happens but according to one Cesear Milan he says you shouldn't be thinking of dog fights at all and if you are nervous it will happen and you'll get the dogs all nervous. I am just hoping that I do not have to rehome her again due to her not getting on with my other dogs which at the moment is okay but as she gets better she may start getting more boisterous but only time will tell. I need to be more confident with them its my big dog jacks that I am more worried about than my little dog khan with her as jacks is very boisterous himself.

I just don't want it impacting on my mental health as it is in the toilet at the moment and I cannot cope with fighting dogs at all. My family all think I am nuts worrying about it but I just cannot help it no-one else seems worried about it at all.

I shall keep you updated on her progress as always

mental health sucks

Had a few bad days with my mental health and have been feeling very down but I am starting to feel a little better now.

Went to register at my new doctors today and can't get an appointment to see the nurse until the 28th of this month and I'm running out of tablets so I am going to have to ring my old doctors in the morning to try and get an appointment to get some more medication to tie me over until I can get into my new doctors. The reason I am moving doctors is the new one is much closer to me as the other doctors I have to drive to and can just walk to the new one.

I guess I will have to go through my mental health issues with them again but I have the little doctors  sheet that shows all my medication so nothing should be a problem I hope.

I haven't lost anymore weight and have actually put a couple of pound back on but I am not eating anything that would do this and that sucks but the medication I am on puts weight on you they do say the tablets I am on are neutral and shouldn't affect weight but they do and I have heard the same thing said by a few people on the same tablets as me.

I shall be kicking my own butt to the gym this weekend as I haven't been in a few days and it is much needed.

Feeling Poorly

So I haven't blogged in a couple of days due to flu like symptoms and bug symptoms yuck I felt so ill yesterday and was unconscious most of the day and my hubby had to take a day off to look after me. Felt like I was dying but so glad to feel a bit better today although feeling a bit weak.

So I haven't been to the gym but I have lost 8 lbs its early days still yet but I'm on the right track at the moment. I haven't craved any sweets or mega fatty foods yet but I am sure it will come soon and thats when the test of this diet really starts.

I hate feeling ill it really knocks things out of kilter doesn't it luckily today I was strong enough to get up and have a shower which was needed.

Mentally I am feeling okay which is something to cheer about anyway as usually I am pretty down but have been feeling not to bad lately. I hate having mental health illness never knowing how I am going to be feeling from one day to the next it really sucks.

Just a quick blog to say I am still here just been ill

hairdo disaster

So recently I had long hair and it was growing nicely but saw this really lovely haircut that Demi Moore had in Ghost and I got my bee in a bonnet about it and really wanted it thinking I can pull that off! Well I went to the hairdressers and she just started randomly chopping into my hair and it turned out a right hot mess did I complain nope. I usually use a home hairdresser who is great but she had been ill that is why I went to the salon to have it cut.

So I went home dejected and thought I need to straighten this mess out and used my normal hairdresser who by now was feeling better. Well she was less than impressed when she saw my hair and tried to sort it out for me but it just got shorter I am now furiously trying to grow it out and it just looks a hot mess still. My greys are through and my self esteem has hit rock bottom because of it.

I can't use normal hair dye as I suffer anaphylactic shocks when using it so I have to use a herbal vegan hair dye called Artic Fox now don't get me wrong its good but its not as good as normal dye at covering your greys and it washes out within about two weeks and its pretty expensive to buy. So I've recently given up dying it for a while and all my greys have come through and I'm feeling pretty old looking to be honest.

I have never felt so down about a haircut ever but what's done is done and all I can do is wait for it to grow out which it is doing slowly. I want to use a hair shampoo called FAST but even this is very expensive to buy and I cannot afford it right now. Whenever I do a selfie I use a filter now as I am totally embarrassed of my hairdo and it just doesn't suit me at all.

My hair is also very thin and just doesn't have the coverage that thick hair does so this cut doesn't suit me at all my hairdresser is always reminding me of my thin hair which also doesn't help! I have tried all sorts of shampoo but I can never get it bouncy or thick. I am now skipping having my haircut for a while and just letting it grow out as always I shall keep you updated on my journey mentally and physically and how my hair is progressing through out the year! Heres to a longer barnet by Christmas 2020!

smoking

I smoke I know its disgusting but its one of my favourite things to do and the other night my hubby told me that they are stopping menthol cigarettes for good in May of this year so I thought the time might be right to quit the cigs when the menthol cigs get the boot, May might seem a long way off for some but its not for me so that is when I plan to give up. I just can't smoke normal cigarettes they make me gag.

I do know of all the health implications when smoking as I have some cause of smoking myself I can feel it when walking up stairs and feel out of breath its no good is it. I have given up before when I've had my children and I have stopped for quite a while a few years back so I know I can do it but I may need a little help this time around like a spray or gum but I will give up this year I am determined to.

Well on to other things and I have lost another 2lb probably just water weight at the moment but its a step in the right direction and its giving me a boost so I am logging it on my weight watchers diary. I should do a weigh in once a week but those scales keep calling out to me each flaming day to get on them its become a bit of an obsession so thats another thing that I will have to quit doing.

Breaking the cycle of things is hard isn't it I know as I like to watch YouTube and read the comments on one of my favourite you tubers whilst I eat and that usually entails eating comfort food whilst doing it but I am trying to get myself out of that cycle now and break the comfort eating I feel when watching it.

Mentally I am feeling better at the moment but this usually changes day to day I am at my most vulnerable of an evening for some reason. Throughout the day I can keep myself busy and watch some tv and housework but by night time I am usually settling down and that is when I feel at my weakest. I have decided that this is probably the best time to go to the gym.
As always I will keep you updated tomorrow I shall be talking about my hair and the disastrous hair cut I had recently amongst other things!

2020

So 2020 is here and wishing you all a happy new year.

I had a couple of drinks New Years eve and boy did I regret it the day after I just cannot handle my drink anymore since having my gall bladder out its a good job I rarely drink so that could possibly be why also! As I have always stated I am a lousy drunk!

All our decorations are down it just felt like 2019 Christmas went on forever as some people had their decs up since November it just felt so long for me, it just gets earlier every year after halloween. Our 9 year old got given monopoly for xmas and I think I am monopolyed out to be honest god that game goes on forever I'm sure we played a three hour game on New Years! Its not your normal monopoly game either its a LOL Surprise monopoly and so some of the game changes from the original which makes it even more confusing!

Heres hoping 2020 is going to be a better year for me as 2019 sucked I just put so much weight on and generally felt down the whole year.

I have kicked off the new year on my diet its early days at the moment but have lost 1lb already as I said I have joined weight watchers so I can keep track of my food and weight and hoping to start up my running again very soon I am going to the gym of course also! I used to run all the time a few years back and have completed two marathons and countless half marathons and 10ks I have lots of bling but since my surgeries on my gall bladder and hand I kind of got a bit down and so the past few years have been trying to get my head better mentally than trying to run. But I am determined this year I will start again I am hoping going to the gym will kick start me. I am waiting on some new running trousers also hoping they will fit as most of my gear which I have loads of doesn't fit me right now. I shall as always keep you updated on my journey mentally and physically.

weight watchers

Just joined weight watchers so lets see how this turns out I am hoping it will give me the kick start I need to log and lose some weight plus I can track activity on it also. I am determined to lose weight this year I am going to be doing the school walk where I can unless its raining and going to the gym more.

Well coming off my antipsychotic medication didn't last long I was going down hill a bit and had to go back on them I really hate having to take them but anything to stop me losing my mind I would rather be fat and overweight and have my sanity.

So I haven't been able to sleep much the past few nights I keep getting twitchy legs which is to do with my medication and it stops me falling asleep it is so annoying so I binge watched Harry Potter last night and quite enjoyed it too, I was able to see the last two that I hadn't seen before. I think I shed a little tear when Snape died but only for a second!

So 2020 is nearly upon us and this has been a weird Christmas to be honest I have been off my meds for a bit and had a few drinks on xmas day and realised what a lousy drunk I am! I am going to be more positive in 2020 and not worry about what others are thinking about me quite so much as I do worry a lot, I am determined to lose the weight I have gained through 2019 and become more active and when I stick to something I usually follow through with it. I will continue to put my weight lose journey on here and update it all the time as I will be having weekly weighs in every Monday.

As always I continue my battle against mental health illness and will win this battle and hoping 2020 is a more positive one for me.

Lost Weight

I have lost half a stone which is great and that is all because I have come off my antipsychotic medication I needed to they were making me feel ill and making me eat like a horse. I felt bunged up on them if that makes any sense at all. I just didn't feel right so I have come off them. I do have some still so if I really need them then I can restart them again, but for now I am going to see how it goes without them.

I am still taking my antidepressants as I didn't want to come off everything and I am happy on these right now.

I had to go to the doctor to get more tablets as they had messed up my repeat prescription and the doctor was a jobsworth and obviously a very new and young doctor and kept asking me all these questions that I have been asked a thousand times over the years and then proceeded to ask if I was taking multiple tablets as I had run out, er no why would I be doing that I am not stupid. Anyway I got my repeat prescription in the end but it was exhausting sitting through his questions.

I am still going to the gym I have been a couple of times now and am enjoying it when I am there I have to kick my own butt to get there though! Hoping to go more in the new year as new year new me and I want to start running again.

I was supposed to have an operation on my kidney tumour but as it is stable at the moment they are not willing to operate the tumour is as fatty tumour and has been tested as non cancerous so that is something but I did ask my consultant if it was okay to start running again and he has given me the go ahead which is great news. My next tumour check up is in May and I will be having a scan on it just to check it is still stable they say they will only operate if it becomes unstable and starts bleeding again.

Hoping that 2020 will be better than 2019 as its been pretty shabby where my weight is concerned I had a dream last night that I lost a lot of weight so am hoping that dream comes true!!

last Christmas

Last Christmas I literally had the best present ever my life was saved by my husband.

We was all sitting around eating Christmas dinner and I gulped down a big bit of turkey and it got stuck in my throat and I couldn't drink it down and I couldn't get it out I was choking to death. My husband knew what to do right away and came rushing over and gave me the Heimlich maneuver a few times and up came this massive piece of turkey that was going to kill me!

My life flashed before my eyes I actually didn't think oh I'm going to die at the time I was just trying to get this piece of turkey out of my throat all the kids were screaming and there's me just scratching at my throat and not able to breathe.

I just couldn't stop thanking him for saving my life I am always a bit more careful when eating now especially roast dinners!

I am hoping that this year will not be like last year! I am eating Christmas dinner at home then going over to my eldest daughters house later on in the day so no drinking for me either as I will be driving.  I may come home later on and have a few drinks if I am not back too late but looks like a sober day for me Christmas Day! Which I am not honestly bothered about as I love going to see my eldest and will have a lovely time over there and as I didn't see her last Christmas this is such a treat for me. 

What are you up to this Christmas a lazy day or are you going to friends and family and if you do end up choking on some turkey make sure someone knows the Heimlich maneuver!